Belladonna

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Well ok today isn’t the bad day yesterday was. I got to work early because of a nice headache that was brewing and laid down on the couch for awhile. By the time I got off the couch at 10am it was a full blown migraine that soon left me puking in the bathroom for about 30 mins. Thankfully the boss man was there and found someone to cover my shift and sent me home around 11. I then spent 19 hours in bed sleeping. 19 crazy hours. I haven’t slept that long in years and the last time that happened it was a side effect of the medication i was started on. But I got up today at just after 730 feeling rather off and still tired. I was able to consume some coffee and still haven’t eaten yet.

I really wish I knew what the hell triggered a migraine that horrible but damned if I know why or how it was created and brought in my living hell of a day. Its times like this I wish I had a rescue medication that would help me before it got that bad but I just don’t have them often enough for the doctors to care enough to prescribe me any. Maybe I will try again. Maybe this time I wont get sick and have to leave work because I can’t function.

*sigh* I think I need a nap.

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What can I say I must be getting used to this whole no sleep thing. Once again I came to work with just over an hours worth of sleep and I am still at it. Wont be out until tomorrow afternoon at 4 too. Bummer I know.

So I gotta say that every time I go out on an adventure someone always seems to get hurt and last night was not an exception. J invited me to go out snowmobiling with him his brother and some friends. I have never been off the ski area on a snowmobile before so this I was looking forward too. Everything was going great in the beginning…. Until we hit the reservoir. Everyone started to gun it across the ice one guy was going about 100mph and the one behind him somewhere between 60-70mph when he hit a ice mound that launched him and the snowmobile about 60 feet in the air and all you saw were the flipping lights and a snow squall. J took a spill off the machine because he didn’t wait until we stopped to get off. It was his brother who was playing superman. But superman was on the ground and not moving. I got over to him busted my knee on the ice as I slid to him and he woke up. Groggy, dazed and in pain but alive none the less. Thank you helmet! That stubborn bastard even stood up and walked away. Limping and groaning but walked the fuck away from the accident. Thankfully the machine didn’t land on him or hit him in anyway but he hit the ice hard. There wasn’t that much snow on top of it. And more good news is that the snowmobile was rideable to the bar where we hopped him up on jack and cokes and some ibuprofen while waiting for the truck and trailer to get there so we could ride back to the farm.

The farm is where we stayed until about 3am when we finally looked at the time. We all had to be up at the ass crack of dawn yet only one of us got up and left to go to bed. J and I did what we do best and finally got to sleep around 5am or so. Now I sit here at work on a 36 hour shift with little to no sleep. By the way J’s brother is OK I got an update on him earlier today. Hes hurting but ok nonetheless.

These late nights really need to slow down. I love my sleep. I have a long affair with sleep. But hey I come to work with a smile on my face and I’m happy so fuck it.

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this is just creepy. You need headphones for the full effect.

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“Sometimes I’m confused by what I think is really obvious. But what I think is really obvious obviously isn’t obvious…”

That about sums up everything I know about what is going on between J and I. Every time I think he wants to be with me he does or says something that tosses me for a loop. Sometimes I really don’t get it. OK more like all of the time I don’t understand it at all.

For the past 2 weeks or so we have been together a lot of the time. Doing the total normal things people do together like going out to dinner, hanging out and talking. The normal things. OK so we also get pretty hot and heavy once we are alone with each other. Then J does some odd things like wanting to pull a prank on his sister in law saying we got married, or asking if I want to go to walmart so he can propose to me (this happened to a girl out here and we think its friggin funny as hell btw she said yes) that same night he stole the ring I wear all the time. OK he didn’t steal it he wore it for the night which was weird but I thought it was cute at the time. The way he acts with me and treats me really did make me feel that he wants to be with me. Have a relationship kinda be with me. But now he pulled yet another one of his confusion tactics.

He came over on Sunday night to have dinner with me and I fix his back as well. We had our cuddle time and the whole teenage make out sessions. We always have a great time with each other. But that night he asked if I had missed him I told him of course and he didn’t think much of it then. But the next night when I was laying in bed I sent him a text that he was right I do miss him when hes not here. Now I get the confusion smack….. He responds back with “I unsure if thats good or not yet…” Seriously? What? I wanted to smash my head against the wall. I don’t understand him at all. But there is a good thing about him saying it. We are honest with each other. He knows that is what I want whether it will hurt me or not. He also knows I am being honest with him. He knows what I want I have told him any time he asks.

This whatever it is that we have together is totally different than anything I have ever experienced before. I don’t understand any of it. It always takes me by surprise everyday. He sure is keeping me on my toes. I don’t think he doesn’t want to be with me. He doesn’t give me what vibe at all. He also wouldn’t even try fucking me over by using me in anyway. We share a lot of the same friends. I don’t really know what he is doing. He said he was afraid of hurting me in someway. He never really did elaborate on what he meant by that but I think that is his major concern. I just wish he could see how happy he is actually making me yet paranoid at the same time. I guess…..ok I don’t want to lose him. There is something about him I can’t let go of. Now that is a scary feeling.

Damn here I was thinking women were confusing.

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I swear nothing can go right with me this year. Be it relationships, friends, house, car, health, or whatever else can happen nothing can go smoothly.

So this week should of been expected yet I didn’t think it was going to be this bad. I start out with my heating oil freezing on in the -3 degree weather so the house has no heat. To giving myself a concussion on Tuesday at work. But now….. Now…….. damn it on top of the headache I already have I now have to deal with a friggin sinus infection.

But at least J is still around. I think we will figure out what we are doing eventually.

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I think that might be the new boys name…. Trouble……

From the first night of hanging out with him alone I should of known I was in trouble with him. Hes one of those people who you talk to for hours on end and don’t know you have until its 4am and scrambling to get home before work. That was the first 2 weeks…. But once I lay my hands on him its all over from there. We have total teenage make out sessions for hours. I wont even go into the rest. OK so yeah we spent a day and night in bed…. I think I broke some stuff that day.
Trouble….. Just trouble…

But the part that scares the ever living shit out of me about him was the fact that he can hurt my feelings. He has once. Long story short our first night together he asked what I was looking for and to be honest I did really know at that point in time. Half way though the night when he decided that he wasn’t going to go home he said he couldn’t do whatever it was we were doing and we should just be friends first. I’m not to sure why it tore through me the way it did but did it. We are both honest and he knows it hurt me, hell he asked. But him having the ability to get to me that way is just freaky. Hell my ex FB couldn’t even do that after 2 years. Oh and if you are wondering that was all before we ever had sex. We are going about this whole relationship thing in a very odd way. I admitted to him the next day that I didn’t want whatever had call this going on to end. Then the awkwardness started. You know when you don’t hear from them for awhile and then you have a get together with a bunch of friends and they are there and just kinda look at you but don’t say more than hi? Yeah that kind.

That get together was our tubing adventure up at a local ski area. The awkwardness was gone within an hour. The total foolish child like behavior became the norm between us. People whom I just meet picked up on everything between us. That night we stayed up and talked by the bonfire until 7am. Yes outside in 6 degree weather all night talking. Granted our child like behavior made it to my Jeep before I left to go to work that day. But the one thing I did do that may or may not of been the right time to do it seeing he was drinking and I was sober, I told him I wanted to keep him. I gave him the option of saying no but I told him what I wanted. Honesty is the best policy. It may hurt in the end but less than a lie.

But… wait there is no but. We seriously can’t get enough of each other. We get along too well, he treats me to well and I spoil the crap out of him with things hes never experienced before. We have no reserves with each other. If we want to do it we will. For me that is totally new. I am not in anyway a cuddly or touchy feely person. I never have been, I always had a fear or rejection that I would never reach out to just touch someone or hold a hand. But put him into the mix and I have thrown him on my bed and had my way with him. No second thoughts, no fear just action.

The best part is he knows all of this. He knows about my issues in the past, he knows I have never been a touchy feely person. He can ask all of our mutual friends and get the same answer. I’ve told him the truth about everything and it doesn’t phase him. I even went as far as to tell him I can’t give him up just because of what his kiss does to me. Damn it that boy gets to me in ways I have never known. And that last statement is what scares me about him. I have a feeling that this can be a fall hard and fall fast type of thing. Am I ready for that? I mean FB just up and left me in November, is this guy just my rebound? Well ok I doubt he is a rebound seeing I tend not to even date guys very often but my roommate and he boyfriend have been trying to set me up with J for a long time now. I just can’t believed it worked. J doesn’t even hit my first want in a guy and that is height. My first thing I want is a guy who is atleast or taller than me. J isn’t even close hes about 5 inches shorter than me. I have never been with a shorter guy before. He has revamped all my wants from a guy. More like hes made me throw them all out the window. I don’t care that hes shorter, doesn’t bother me at all. Hell hes a farmer, his family has been in the farming business for the last 200+ years out here and he works at home. He will never be rich, but then again neither will I. But he is honest, hardworking, caring, and dependable almost to a fault. I feel he is way to good for me and I always wonder what he sees. I guess I never will. But I know this isn’t something I am willing to let go of just yet. Guess what I am saying is that I am willing to risk tearing myself apart for this guy.

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I am so paying for the fact that I blew off work to go play on the quad till 4am. I have been sick sick sick…… like snot grenade blew up in my nose sick. So now I go into work and suffer through this horrible cold while I take in people who are not even as close to as sick as I am. Sometimes I think there is something wrong with that picture.

In case any of you were wondering or didn’t know because I haven’t informed you yet, FB is gone, poof, vanished, whatthefuckever, and stuff. I haven’t heard from him since the Halloween party. Some snotty wench decided to talk shit about me and he just up and left. But what ever obviously wasn’t working anyway and it totally didn’t hurt to have him leave. Guess it should of ended long before then but eh… Sometimes men act like children and just can’t say when its over its over. But I’m moving on and that is all that counts in my world.

But there is a sad part to me being sick……. The new guy (which I need a name for) is now sick because he came over on Thursday night…. I feel totally horrible about it too. He doesn’t have the immune system I have and its a million times worse for him than it is for me. Guess Karma is kicking us in the butt for adventuring all night.

Anywho back to being doped up on cold meds for the night.

~Bella~

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OK so here is the low down. I think I am ditching ELT for good. Just need to delete it without deleting everything else in the process. That site has given me a good many years now but it is time to move on I think.

But it better news I got to be like a kid again last night. Stayed out until 4am in the freezing winter on a quad with a pretty awesome guy. I don’t think I have been happier in over a year. Weird how things happen. I ended up calling out of work today just so I could go out on the quad last night and cruise around on the trails and freeze my tatas off. But you know what? It was worth ever bit of frozen flesh to be able to have fun and not a care in the world.

There is just something about the simple life that makes me happy.

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