Belladonna

I swear nothing can go right with me this year. Be it relationships, friends, house, car, health, or whatever else can happen nothing can go smoothly.

So this week should of been expected yet I didn’t think it was going to be this bad. I start out with my heating oil freezing on in the -3 degree weather so the house has no heat. To giving myself a concussion on Tuesday at work. But now….. Now…….. damn it on top of the headache I already have I now have to deal with a friggin sinus infection.

But at least J is still around. I think we will figure out what we are doing eventually.

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I think that might be the new boys name…. Trouble……

From the first night of hanging out with him alone I should of known I was in trouble with him. Hes one of those people who you talk to for hours on end and don’t know you have until its 4am and scrambling to get home before work. That was the first 2 weeks…. But once I lay my hands on him its all over from there. We have total teenage make out sessions for hours. I wont even go into the rest. OK so yeah we spent a day and night in bed…. I think I broke some stuff that day.
Trouble….. Just trouble…

But the part that scares the ever living shit out of me about him was the fact that he can hurt my feelings. He has once. Long story short our first night together he asked what I was looking for and to be honest I did really know at that point in time. Half way though the night when he decided that he wasn’t going to go home he said he couldn’t do whatever it was we were doing and we should just be friends first. I’m not to sure why it tore through me the way it did but did it. We are both honest and he knows it hurt me, hell he asked. But him having the ability to get to me that way is just freaky. Hell my ex FB couldn’t even do that after 2 years. Oh and if you are wondering that was all before we ever had sex. We are going about this whole relationship thing in a very odd way. I admitted to him the next day that I didn’t want whatever had call this going on to end. Then the awkwardness started. You know when you don’t hear from them for awhile and then you have a get together with a bunch of friends and they are there and just kinda look at you but don’t say more than hi? Yeah that kind.

That get together was our tubing adventure up at a local ski area. The awkwardness was gone within an hour. The total foolish child like behavior became the norm between us. People whom I just meet picked up on everything between us. That night we stayed up and talked by the bonfire until 7am. Yes outside in 6 degree weather all night talking. Granted our child like behavior made it to my Jeep before I left to go to work that day. But the one thing I did do that may or may not of been the right time to do it seeing he was drinking and I was sober, I told him I wanted to keep him. I gave him the option of saying no but I told him what I wanted. Honesty is the best policy. It may hurt in the end but less than a lie.

But… wait there is no but. We seriously can’t get enough of each other. We get along too well, he treats me to well and I spoil the crap out of him with things hes never experienced before. We have no reserves with each other. If we want to do it we will. For me that is totally new. I am not in anyway a cuddly or touchy feely person. I never have been, I always had a fear or rejection that I would never reach out to just touch someone or hold a hand. But put him into the mix and I have thrown him on my bed and had my way with him. No second thoughts, no fear just action.

The best part is he knows all of this. He knows about my issues in the past, he knows I have never been a touchy feely person. He can ask all of our mutual friends and get the same answer. I’ve told him the truth about everything and it doesn’t phase him. I even went as far as to tell him I can’t give him up just because of what his kiss does to me. Damn it that boy gets to me in ways I have never known. And that last statement is what scares me about him. I have a feeling that this can be a fall hard and fall fast type of thing. Am I ready for that? I mean FB just up and left me in November, is this guy just my rebound? Well ok I doubt he is a rebound seeing I tend not to even date guys very often but my roommate and he boyfriend have been trying to set me up with J for a long time now. I just can’t believed it worked. J doesn’t even hit my first want in a guy and that is height. My first thing I want is a guy who is atleast or taller than me. J isn’t even close hes about 5 inches shorter than me. I have never been with a shorter guy before. He has revamped all my wants from a guy. More like hes made me throw them all out the window. I don’t care that hes shorter, doesn’t bother me at all. Hell hes a farmer, his family has been in the farming business for the last 200+ years out here and he works at home. He will never be rich, but then again neither will I. But he is honest, hardworking, caring, and dependable almost to a fault. I feel he is way to good for me and I always wonder what he sees. I guess I never will. But I know this isn’t something I am willing to let go of just yet. Guess what I am saying is that I am willing to risk tearing myself apart for this guy.

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I am so paying for the fact that I blew off work to go play on the quad till 4am. I have been sick sick sick…… like snot grenade blew up in my nose sick. So now I go into work and suffer through this horrible cold while I take in people who are not even as close to as sick as I am. Sometimes I think there is something wrong with that picture.

In case any of you were wondering or didn’t know because I haven’t informed you yet, FB is gone, poof, vanished, whatthefuckever, and stuff. I haven’t heard from him since the Halloween party. Some snotty wench decided to talk shit about me and he just up and left. But what ever obviously wasn’t working anyway and it totally didn’t hurt to have him leave. Guess it should of ended long before then but eh… Sometimes men act like children and just can’t say when its over its over. But I’m moving on and that is all that counts in my world.

But there is a sad part to me being sick……. The new guy (which I need a name for) is now sick because he came over on Thursday night…. I feel totally horrible about it too. He doesn’t have the immune system I have and its a million times worse for him than it is for me. Guess Karma is kicking us in the butt for adventuring all night.

Anywho back to being doped up on cold meds for the night.

~Bella~

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OK so here is the low down. I think I am ditching ELT for good. Just need to delete it without deleting everything else in the process. That site has given me a good many years now but it is time to move on I think.

But it better news I got to be like a kid again last night. Stayed out until 4am in the freezing winter on a quad with a pretty awesome guy. I don’t think I have been happier in over a year. Weird how things happen. I ended up calling out of work today just so I could go out on the quad last night and cruise around on the trails and freeze my tatas off. But you know what? It was worth ever bit of frozen flesh to be able to have fun and not a care in the world.

There is just something about the simple life that makes me happy.

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I have been on the prozac for a little over 2 weeks now. So far so good. I can tell already that my mood is different and I don’t let things get to me as they did before. But my mood could also have to do with the fact that my father hasn’t called me in those 2 weeks either. It is amazing how wonderful you can feel when you don’t have someone breathing down your neck asking for everything under the sun.

The best thing about the medication is having a quiet mind. It is hard to explain exactly what I mean by a quiet mind but if you have ever laid in bed at night with thoughts racing through your head at an alarming speed you have an idea of what I was going through every single hour of every day. It was exhausting to say the very least about it. I didn’t realize how bad it was until a few days of being on the medication I woke up and walked outside and just looked around in amazement. I could hear everything clear as day. I wasn’t distracted by my racing thoughts. There was a day I slept for over 16 hours. It was nice. Sleeping hasn’t been high on the priority list for a very long time. Now I am catching up and it feels pretty damn good.

Work is hard but its getting better. Well ok if you consider laughing at a patient because she thinks she has swine flu (yes I did that yesterday), killing your first patient of the week, dealing with yet another accident with the brand new ambulance, catching up on the backed up billing from the holiday, and making your boss turn bright red because you said the word boobies. Yeah its a tough working environment at times.

I almost quit my second job on Tuesday. I am sick and tired of having to work two jobs. I have done it for almost 10 years now and I just don’t want to do it anymore. Not to mention I am tired of working at that station in general. I want some time off. Its not all that much to ask.

yeah still scatter brained. But I don’t think that will change all that much anytime soon.

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Tonight I looked within myself to see what I didn’t want to believe. To be honest I have been a miserable bitch to most people around me. I have become what I hate and it is now killing me. I looked back at the past months and saw myself through someone else’s eyes. I have been bitchy, an asshole, a complainer, a fuck up, a moron, and just plan horrible person to just about everyone I know. I have lost all patience with everything around me. Small things are hitting hard. My nerves are raw.

I can’t do this. I can’t live feeling like this. I know I should of known it was coming It happens anytime I have to deal with the toxic father of mine. Well I should add in that it is not just him but the rest of the family as well. My aunt automatically thinks because I live near him that I should be the one who takes care of him. How fair is that? I am tired of it all. This whole family bullshit has gotten to me way beyond what I can handle and I know that now. Everything at work is making me pissed off and angry. Things that normally would just roll off my back are piling up and creating a monster within me.

I started out the night at a party with all my friends and left. Why? I just didn’t want to be around them. I was tired from work, not into their conversations, and getting pissed that everyone was talking over each other. So I left and came home. On the way home I started to think of why I left. Then I started to reflect upon the past months and how I have been acting and how much has changed in my life. I just want to be alone. I don’t want to go out or do anything with other people. I’m tired of people I work with the lowest of the low lives and I am just sick of everyones bullshit. I guess I have a right to be this way. People are telling me it is ok because I am only human. But no it really isn’t ok in my book. I like to be around friends and feel like I am cared about. I live to go out and do things and just plan ol have fun. But what fun am I having if all I am doing is complaining about everything to everyone even if they are not listening? Thats what I have become, an all the time complainer.

I sent an email tonight to my boss

I want to apologize. I have been a miserable bitch and I know it. I have done nothing but complained about things. I know I have no excuse for bringing my problems into work. My nerves are shot and raw with dealing with my father. Things are getting to me when they should just roll off my back. I am sorry. I wanted to tell you in person but I didn’t know if you were coming in tomorrow or not. So I wanted to tell you one way or another.
On Monday I am calling my doctor to put me back on prozac. It helped the last time this happened and I should of done it sooner than now. I thought I could handle it but I was wrong. I’m not asking anything as I really don’t deserve anything. I just want you to know that I am sorry for being an asshole and you can flat out call me one if you would like. Seriously I don’t blame you if you do.

I started with him first as he always gets the brunt of my frustration at work. Yes people slack off and don’t do their job. But who doesn’t? But we also work at a company that where if most of this shit was done they would of been fired a long time ago. But I have to come to terms with that part and get over it. I have to get over a lot of things. I just need to. So yes on Monday I will be calling about going back on my happy pills. I want to be happy again. I don’t want to be happy because I am on medication that makes me that way. I just want to be happy because all the stupid little shit doesn’t bother me anymore and that is exactly what prozac does for me. It lets me breathe again and stop before I say something stupid or do something stupid. It helps me focus on what is really wrong and not what is pissing me off. In easier terms it lets all the small shit just roll off my back and not build up.

I just can’t believe it took me this long to finally come to the realization that I can no longer handle who I have become and what I am doing because of it. I should of known. This is not the first time it has happened. I should of known better and got on the medication before any of this got out of control. Right now I feel broken down, beat up, used and abused. Instead of being out having a good time I choose to come home and look within myself and cry, get mad, cry some more, and write out my apologies. I have come to face what has become of me and now I must fix it. I haven’t posted anything of any worth in months. That should of clued me in a long time ago that this was coming. I thought I would be able to cut it off in its path but I overestimated myself. But I am done being pissed all the time. I am done being the complainer and the bitchy coworker and employee. I am done being what I have become. Now I just need to remember that tomorrow so I can get through my double shift without a breakdown.

What I really need right now is some time off. I need to regroup myself and help myself. I just don’t know how feasible that is. I have 3 personal days I can use but I don’t have coverage. I just hope my boss comes in tomorrow so we can talk about this and I can apologize in person. I hate that I did it in email but I had to get it off my chest right then and there. I am determined to get back on the path of a happier me. Now to just find the path and get on it. Its the beginning of a long journey back to a better and happier me.

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Afternoon

Unfortunately all my attempts to make my father work for the food and cigarettes he gets have all gone to waste. That is why I haven’t asked for money to support him this time. But with the way he is going by costing over $25 every two days I just can’t afford to support him anymore. I know you never asked me to do this on my own, I know you told me to just call or email when I ran out of his allowance if you call it that but I did sincerely try to get him to finally work for what he is getting. But it has failed. He has been borrowing money from neighbors that I now have to pay back. He is sneaking booze into the checkout at the country store and on to the bill behind my back.

I am tired of him and his behavior. I cannot go more than one day without hearing from him about needing something. I have stopped answering the phone on most days. He really truly thinks I am there to serve him at every beck and whim. I know there is nothing that you can do to change his behavior. I’m not asking you to do anything about it either. But I do know that you like to keep track of what is going on. I know there is nothing anyone can do at this point. He is just not understanding the rules. He needs to pick a role play a man or be the child but he cannot be both.

I’m sorry and I know I shouldn’t be but I am going to have to ask for his “allowance” again. I can’t afford to support someone who is in no way trying to help himself. I am at the end of a losing battle with him. I just don’t know what else to do.

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Some of you must of really been wondering where I took off to. But to be honest I have really run out of material. Flyboy and I are still together and still dealing with the whole active duty thing. Which by the way he is on until September now. No longer the beginning of this month.

The crazypsychobitch finally figured out that Flyboy and I were together. Over a year it took her to figure it out and to finally confront me about it. Which is none of her business anyway but eh whatever. Surprisingly she was calm and not crazypsychobitch about it. But she also doesn’t have the balls to be mean to me. She will talk her shit behind my back but never to my face. But with how much she talks about me behind my back I swear I should be on Perez Hilton.

So a little catch up is in order. No particular order to these so bare with me.

~ Confronted my boss about the so called raise we are supposed to be getting. Last year he promised that giving us “titles” at work meant we would finally get the pay we deserve. He told me we were going to get 2%. 2% and this is what he wants me to do with it. Become a supervisor over the new paramedics we will be hiring in the upcoming year along with the new EMTs that we will also be staffed with. So once again I will be doing his job which he gets paid $26 an hour to do which he doesn’t do. I do it. Yeah I lost my shit. Told him where to stick it and I also reminded him the agreement we had last year about if my “raise” was enough to cover what I make at my second job (which by the way is around $400 a month)so I would be able to flex my schedule around to meet the departments needs for shift coverage. I don’t know exactly what I said or how I said it but he called me about 5 minutes after he left that day to ask what I made a year at my second job. *rolls eyes* We will see how this goes. Oh I forgot I will also start paying my health insurance that the department has paid for the past 5 years. There goes the 2%.

~ Not sure if I mentioned I moved or not on here. Ya I did. It’s nice but I feel like I am going to kill my roommate at times. Shes too lazy for me to deal with. Starting to feel like a mother. Not good. Got any advice on how to confront her about maybe picking up a broom or washing the dishes????… My biggest pet peeve is not emptying the trash. She just keeps pushing it down and making a mess. Grrrr.

~ Stalker is no longer bothers me in person anyway.. But still is going to town on my other site. Which is why I think I may just come here and post over there every once and awhile. I hate feeling like I am being watched. Not cool.

Crap ADD kicked in and now I forgot what I was going to write about. Eh maybe next time.

~Bella~

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I will be back. I think I will be posting here more often than my main site. I have had enough with the stalking.

See ya soon

~Bella~

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Yesterday was a great reminder on how catty women can be and how much men can be complete dicks. Anyone who’s read through this site here knows exactly whom I am talking about. Well not exactly whom as name per say but who they are in my little life here on this planet.

The harassment has gone into full swing. FB’s ex and my still partner at work decided she wanted to try and set him up with one of the girls she knows. Well FB graciously declined and stated if he didn’t need any help finding anyone even if he wanted to. Well she took that answer for a little while. Then the full blown catty cunt came out. Yes you all can put your jaws back now I said the C.U.N.T. word and to be truthful that is exactly what she is. In the 4 hours he had his detail she got many harassing, absurd, threatening phone calls from his ex. He had told me about her wanting to set him up and all that shit earlier in the evening so when I sent him a text saying “Have fun on your date tonight. LOL” I got a call right away from a very miffed FB. That is when he thought the cunt called me and started going off on me or said god knows what to me about him. I thought I was just being funny seeing I had no clue what had transpired between our conversations. Well he didn’t find it very funny. Well not until after I told him I knew nothing about what had happened.

She really needs to just drive over herself with her own vehicle already. I cannot understand how nobody has beaten her to a pulp yet. Seriously she is a fucking cunt. I know all the different sides of her and when she called me this morning just to make sure I was still going with her to her state testing it through me for a loop. I know she has finally figured out that FB and I are together, she has had to by now and with last nights little episode I am damn sure her theory was finally found true. But I will play this up way to much for her to keep thinking so. You see I know how to play her like a finely tuned piano, she just doesn’t know it. I have my abilities that I don’t use very often because they can be seen as… well lets just say nothing good. But on her I show and feel no remorse for using them. For what she has done in life I wish her the worst pain even death wont take away. But then again I can just be biased seeing she beat FB to a pulp many times. But then again because he was not the only one.

As for the men side of things the ex is just being an ass. Hes treating FB like shit and trying to be something he is not in the PD. I started to get harassing phone calls last night after 11 from an unavailable number and guess who just happened to be working at the barracks last night? Guess who’s shift started at 11pm last night? Wow some people really think I am stupid don’t they? Private call rejection doesn’t work in my town. Why I don’t know I tried to turn it on today when I got home and it wouldn’t work. Stupid fucking verizon. But heres the best part about the ex I know he is planning something and he wants me to know he is up to something. Myspace of all places told me this one. He is brainstorming and his mood was evil. Either this is a tactic for me to go “Ohh No big bad ex is gonna try and ruin my relationship” or hes just trying to get a rise out of me. Which he is getting neither. I haven’t answered any of his IM’s and I couldn’t really care less about his status message. Hey maybe he should go get with the cunt, they would make a great pair.

OK enough bitching for tonight. FB and I are just fine and this hasn’t even rocked our boat a little bit. If both of these idiots want to destroy their career by trying something stupid let them. Believe you me I can take them both down already and they would be sitting in the streets where no where to go.

I wonder if my ex knows that the military will kick his ass out for having an affair? Hmmmm I will have to keep that one in mind.

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