Belladonna

I have been on the prozac for a little over 2 weeks now. So far so good. I can tell already that my mood is different and I don’t let things get to me as they did before. But my mood could also have to do with the fact that my father hasn’t called me in those 2 weeks either. It is amazing how wonderful you can feel when you don’t have someone breathing down your neck asking for everything under the sun.

The best thing about the medication is having a quiet mind. It is hard to explain exactly what I mean by a quiet mind but if you have ever laid in bed at night with thoughts racing through your head at an alarming speed you have an idea of what I was going through every single hour of every day. It was exhausting to say the very least about it. I didn’t realize how bad it was until a few days of being on the medication I woke up and walked outside and just looked around in amazement. I could hear everything clear as day. I wasn’t distracted by my racing thoughts. There was a day I slept for over 16 hours. It was nice. Sleeping hasn’t been high on the priority list for a very long time. Now I am catching up and it feels pretty damn good.

Work is hard but its getting better. Well ok if you consider laughing at a patient because she thinks she has swine flu (yes I did that yesterday), killing your first patient of the week, dealing with yet another accident with the brand new ambulance, catching up on the backed up billing from the holiday, and making your boss turn bright red because you said the word boobies. Yeah its a tough working environment at times.

I almost quit my second job on Tuesday. I am sick and tired of having to work two jobs. I have done it for almost 10 years now and I just don’t want to do it anymore. Not to mention I am tired of working at that station in general. I want some time off. Its not all that much to ask.

yeah still scatter brained. But I don’t think that will change all that much anytime soon.

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Tonight I looked within myself to see what I didn’t want to believe. To be honest I have been a miserable bitch to most people around me. I have become what I hate and it is now killing me. I looked back at the past months and saw myself through someone else’s eyes. I have been bitchy, an asshole, a complainer, a fuck up, a moron, and just plan horrible person to just about everyone I know. I have lost all patience with everything around me. Small things are hitting hard. My nerves are raw.

I can’t do this. I can’t live feeling like this. I know I should of known it was coming It happens anytime I have to deal with the toxic father of mine. Well I should add in that it is not just him but the rest of the family as well. My aunt automatically thinks because I live near him that I should be the one who takes care of him. How fair is that? I am tired of it all. This whole family bullshit has gotten to me way beyond what I can handle and I know that now. Everything at work is making me pissed off and angry. Things that normally would just roll off my back are piling up and creating a monster within me.

I started out the night at a party with all my friends and left. Why? I just didn’t want to be around them. I was tired from work, not into their conversations, and getting pissed that everyone was talking over each other. So I left and came home. On the way home I started to think of why I left. Then I started to reflect upon the past months and how I have been acting and how much has changed in my life. I just want to be alone. I don’t want to go out or do anything with other people. I’m tired of people I work with the lowest of the low lives and I am just sick of everyones bullshit. I guess I have a right to be this way. People are telling me it is ok because I am only human. But no it really isn’t ok in my book. I like to be around friends and feel like I am cared about. I live to go out and do things and just plan ol have fun. But what fun am I having if all I am doing is complaining about everything to everyone even if they are not listening? Thats what I have become, an all the time complainer.

I sent an email tonight to my boss

I want to apologize. I have been a miserable bitch and I know it. I have done nothing but complained about things. I know I have no excuse for bringing my problems into work. My nerves are shot and raw with dealing with my father. Things are getting to me when they should just roll off my back. I am sorry. I wanted to tell you in person but I didn’t know if you were coming in tomorrow or not. So I wanted to tell you one way or another.
On Monday I am calling my doctor to put me back on prozac. It helped the last time this happened and I should of done it sooner than now. I thought I could handle it but I was wrong. I’m not asking anything as I really don’t deserve anything. I just want you to know that I am sorry for being an asshole and you can flat out call me one if you would like. Seriously I don’t blame you if you do.

I started with him first as he always gets the brunt of my frustration at work. Yes people slack off and don’t do their job. But who doesn’t? But we also work at a company that where if most of this shit was done they would of been fired a long time ago. But I have to come to terms with that part and get over it. I have to get over a lot of things. I just need to. So yes on Monday I will be calling about going back on my happy pills. I want to be happy again. I don’t want to be happy because I am on medication that makes me that way. I just want to be happy because all the stupid little shit doesn’t bother me anymore and that is exactly what prozac does for me. It lets me breathe again and stop before I say something stupid or do something stupid. It helps me focus on what is really wrong and not what is pissing me off. In easier terms it lets all the small shit just roll off my back and not build up.

I just can’t believe it took me this long to finally come to the realization that I can no longer handle who I have become and what I am doing because of it. I should of known. This is not the first time it has happened. I should of known better and got on the medication before any of this got out of control. Right now I feel broken down, beat up, used and abused. Instead of being out having a good time I choose to come home and look within myself and cry, get mad, cry some more, and write out my apologies. I have come to face what has become of me and now I must fix it. I haven’t posted anything of any worth in months. That should of clued me in a long time ago that this was coming. I thought I would be able to cut it off in its path but I overestimated myself. But I am done being pissed all the time. I am done being the complainer and the bitchy coworker and employee. I am done being what I have become. Now I just need to remember that tomorrow so I can get through my double shift without a breakdown.

What I really need right now is some time off. I need to regroup myself and help myself. I just don’t know how feasible that is. I have 3 personal days I can use but I don’t have coverage. I just hope my boss comes in tomorrow so we can talk about this and I can apologize in person. I hate that I did it in email but I had to get it off my chest right then and there. I am determined to get back on the path of a happier me. Now to just find the path and get on it. Its the beginning of a long journey back to a better and happier me.

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Afternoon

Unfortunately all my attempts to make my father work for the food and cigarettes he gets have all gone to waste. That is why I haven’t asked for money to support him this time. But with the way he is going by costing over $25 every two days I just can’t afford to support him anymore. I know you never asked me to do this on my own, I know you told me to just call or email when I ran out of his allowance if you call it that but I did sincerely try to get him to finally work for what he is getting. But it has failed. He has been borrowing money from neighbors that I now have to pay back. He is sneaking booze into the checkout at the country store and on to the bill behind my back.

I am tired of him and his behavior. I cannot go more than one day without hearing from him about needing something. I have stopped answering the phone on most days. He really truly thinks I am there to serve him at every beck and whim. I know there is nothing that you can do to change his behavior. I’m not asking you to do anything about it either. But I do know that you like to keep track of what is going on. I know there is nothing anyone can do at this point. He is just not understanding the rules. He needs to pick a role play a man or be the child but he cannot be both.

I’m sorry and I know I shouldn’t be but I am going to have to ask for his “allowance” again. I can’t afford to support someone who is in no way trying to help himself. I am at the end of a losing battle with him. I just don’t know what else to do.

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Some of you must of really been wondering where I took off to. But to be honest I have really run out of material. Flyboy and I are still together and still dealing with the whole active duty thing. Which by the way he is on until September now. No longer the beginning of this month.

The crazypsychobitch finally figured out that Flyboy and I were together. Over a year it took her to figure it out and to finally confront me about it. Which is none of her business anyway but eh whatever. Surprisingly she was calm and not crazypsychobitch about it. But she also doesn’t have the balls to be mean to me. She will talk her shit behind my back but never to my face. But with how much she talks about me behind my back I swear I should be on Perez Hilton.

So a little catch up is in order. No particular order to these so bare with me.

~ Confronted my boss about the so called raise we are supposed to be getting. Last year he promised that giving us “titles” at work meant we would finally get the pay we deserve. He told me we were going to get 2%. 2% and this is what he wants me to do with it. Become a supervisor over the new paramedics we will be hiring in the upcoming year along with the new EMTs that we will also be staffed with. So once again I will be doing his job which he gets paid $26 an hour to do which he doesn’t do. I do it. Yeah I lost my shit. Told him where to stick it and I also reminded him the agreement we had last year about if my “raise” was enough to cover what I make at my second job (which by the way is around $400 a month)so I would be able to flex my schedule around to meet the departments needs for shift coverage. I don’t know exactly what I said or how I said it but he called me about 5 minutes after he left that day to ask what I made a year at my second job. *rolls eyes* We will see how this goes. Oh I forgot I will also start paying my health insurance that the department has paid for the past 5 years. There goes the 2%.

~ Not sure if I mentioned I moved or not on here. Ya I did. It’s nice but I feel like I am going to kill my roommate at times. Shes too lazy for me to deal with. Starting to feel like a mother. Not good. Got any advice on how to confront her about maybe picking up a broom or washing the dishes????… My biggest pet peeve is not emptying the trash. She just keeps pushing it down and making a mess. Grrrr.

~ Stalker is no longer bothers me in person anyway.. But still is going to town on my other site. Which is why I think I may just come here and post over there every once and awhile. I hate feeling like I am being watched. Not cool.

Crap ADD kicked in and now I forgot what I was going to write about. Eh maybe next time.

~Bella~

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I will be back. I think I will be posting here more often than my main site. I have had enough with the stalking.

See ya soon

~Bella~

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Yesterday was a great reminder on how catty women can be and how much men can be complete dicks. Anyone who’s read through this site here knows exactly whom I am talking about. Well not exactly whom as name per say but who they are in my little life here on this planet.

The harassment has gone into full swing. FB’s ex and my still partner at work decided she wanted to try and set him up with one of the girls she knows. Well FB graciously declined and stated if he didn’t need any help finding anyone even if he wanted to. Well she took that answer for a little while. Then the full blown catty cunt came out. Yes you all can put your jaws back now I said the C.U.N.T. word and to be truthful that is exactly what she is. In the 4 hours he had his detail she got many harassing, absurd, threatening phone calls from his ex. He had told me about her wanting to set him up and all that shit earlier in the evening so when I sent him a text saying “Have fun on your date tonight. LOL” I got a call right away from a very miffed FB. That is when he thought the cunt called me and started going off on me or said god knows what to me about him. I thought I was just being funny seeing I had no clue what had transpired between our conversations. Well he didn’t find it very funny. Well not until after I told him I knew nothing about what had happened.

She really needs to just drive over herself with her own vehicle already. I cannot understand how nobody has beaten her to a pulp yet. Seriously she is a fucking cunt. I know all the different sides of her and when she called me this morning just to make sure I was still going with her to her state testing it through me for a loop. I know she has finally figured out that FB and I are together, she has had to by now and with last nights little episode I am damn sure her theory was finally found true. But I will play this up way to much for her to keep thinking so. You see I know how to play her like a finely tuned piano, she just doesn’t know it. I have my abilities that I don’t use very often because they can be seen as… well lets just say nothing good. But on her I show and feel no remorse for using them. For what she has done in life I wish her the worst pain even death wont take away. But then again I can just be biased seeing she beat FB to a pulp many times. But then again because he was not the only one.

As for the men side of things the ex is just being an ass. Hes treating FB like shit and trying to be something he is not in the PD. I started to get harassing phone calls last night after 11 from an unavailable number and guess who just happened to be working at the barracks last night? Guess who’s shift started at 11pm last night? Wow some people really think I am stupid don’t they? Private call rejection doesn’t work in my town. Why I don’t know I tried to turn it on today when I got home and it wouldn’t work. Stupid fucking verizon. But heres the best part about the ex I know he is planning something and he wants me to know he is up to something. Myspace of all places told me this one. He is brainstorming and his mood was evil. Either this is a tactic for me to go “Ohh No big bad ex is gonna try and ruin my relationship” or hes just trying to get a rise out of me. Which he is getting neither. I haven’t answered any of his IM’s and I couldn’t really care less about his status message. Hey maybe he should go get with the cunt, they would make a great pair.

OK enough bitching for tonight. FB and I are just fine and this hasn’t even rocked our boat a little bit. If both of these idiots want to destroy their career by trying something stupid let them. Believe you me I can take them both down already and they would be sitting in the streets where no where to go.

I wonder if my ex knows that the military will kick his ass out for having an affair? Hmmmm I will have to keep that one in mind.

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So I haven’t posted in a long while. Eh been busy so who cares right? Right!

This is still the little hidden site I have stuffed away for all the personal life shenanigans. Which I must say have been well lacking the shenanigans.

FB has gone and come I think 2 times to Iraq since my last post. I guess that shows my worry about it all has started to settle down. I don’t come right here and cry about him leaving. Well OK cry is an overstatement.

So much crap has been going on in other areas of my life its not even funny anymore. Work has been in high gear for the past few weeks. Right now we have lost all funding from one of the towns we cover. Yup that’s right they have up and cut us out of the budget. The worst part is that its the town I live in and now we don’t have ambulance coverage that is guaranteed. We are in no way obligated to provide service to the town anymore. Its stupid seriously stupid because the state is obligated by law to provide ambulance service to the town or hire an outside company to provide that service to them.

But its my day off and I am going to try and get plurk up and running again so I can out myself to the others who have no idea of this site. But its ok at this point I am no longer worried about the ex finding it and being an ass to me for being with someone else. Yes FB and I are still flying under the radar on the work front. When you work for the town its much better to be that way.

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Last night I had a revelation. FB and I have been together for almost 6 months. Holy fucking COW!!! I don’t know where this year has gone and it doesn’t even feel like 6 months has passed.

Maybe it doesn’t feel as long because every month he is gone for a week or longer, sometimes more than once a month. I know what I signed up for when I started seeing him. But I had no clue that it would make a 6 month relationship feel only weeks old. We still talk all the time, we have yet to run out of things to say. The funniest part of chatting with FB is after the boys have gone home for the weekend. FB just goes on and on and on and then confesses that its great finally talking to an adult.

FB and I have finally started to make time for each other. Well more of FB has been flying more so finding time is the hardest part. He had left 2 times this month already for short trips but I don’t hold it against him and he knows that. But the best part of him finally getting time is he will come and stay with me here. After the first few times he was over and just leaving for the night I never thought he would stay here, but I was wrong. I don’t even need to say anything he just says its time for bed and goes to my room. I was flabbergasted when he first did it last week. I had no clue he was planning on staying. So I guess its a good thing I always keep a dog blanket on the bed so the puppy hair isn’t in the sheets all the time. Gah I hate it myself but that would be just too embarrassing to deal with.

I don’t know if I had mentioned this before or not because I haven’t posted in forever but FB is planning on going back on active duty come September if his spot is still open. Still not sure how I really feel about that but like I have said before I always support what ever it is he does. But I did find out he would be home for most of it. He wont be over the pond for the whole 3 months of the first set of orders.

Ya know the more I learn about the military the more I tend to not like it. Yeah who would of thunk?

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Reality TV has hit a whole new low. Tila Tequila’s shot for love on MTV. Seriously I am not kidding here. Brett Michaels had a show, Britney had a show, the Lohans have a show, fuck even the Hulk had a show but Tila? Were talking a reality tv show with men and women competing for her ‘love’. WTF ever! I watched about 5 seconds of it before wanting to pry my eyes out with my cats nails.

Now I have a whole new reason not to watch VH1 and MTV. VH1 because they are showing the reruns, the reruns of the show I never saw or heard of in the first place. So when the hell will MTV aka Music TV start actually showing music videos again? Not just washed up musicians who have reality shows?

The questions will never be answered. Who wants to go back to the 80’s?

Video killed the radio star? More like reality tv killed the radio star.

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Lets not get into the negitave parts of my birthday. All I will say here is 6 hours in the ER really killed my weekend.

But annnnnnnyway I got up late on saturday morning and was rushed for everything I had to do with more stuff added in. I will post about this on my other site later or when ever I get around to it. But we got the toy party and set up. A fuck ton of people bailed on it. Why I will never know. But we had a good group of people seeing it was just the group it is normally at every party. Sure kept things interesting.

JJ and I had a sword fight with out little penis erasers. All the guys got a kick out of that one. I have a nice little video to show you all to but being on dial up I will have to wait until wednesday for when I head back to work. But all and all it was a good toy party. I set up my order for my skinny dip stuff and the virtuality sleeve for FB. We were running really late. Supposed to be back for the other party by 7pm. Yeah try almost 830 for the start of that all. I got a little pissy with that because I hate being late. It drives me fucking nuts when people are expected to be there on time and you are not there to greet them or let them in. Blah.

FB was very pleased with the how I smelled. I was covered in so many things I don’t even remember. But I know it smelled good I just couldn’t smell it anymore. :blush: But boy he could. I thought I wasn’t even going to make it back to the party. But I will tell you this, he got his own demo on toys, lotions, candles, and the best of all is he is also infatuated with skinny dip. So me being me I had to smell of it for the night. Now the best part is he wanted to try the nympho’s desire. FB thought he was going to catch me at one of my “all talk” moments when he asked me to apply it to him. Boy was he wrong I followed him to the bathroom and gave him a little something then applied it. I swear he was about to fall over once it started to work. I can tell you right now he was damn glad he was wearing jeans. :devil: He got so worked up he didn’t even notice the bathroom door was open. :shocked:

I let him stew with that nice crazy feeling all night. Drove him absolutely crazy.

But my wish to get drunk and get laid for my birthday came through. I really didn’t get drunk but I did get laid. :angel: I taught that boy more things then he ever thought possible.

I called out of work for tonight. FB and I are going to go out for dinner possibly. If he or I don’t fall asleep first.

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